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You’re not sleeping with anyone else, but they aren’t your girlfriend.

What makes this harder to navigate is the fact that people interpret social relationships so differently.

These people will have dates on a regular basis, and they may or may not be having sexual relations.

This period of courtship is sometimes seen as a precursor to engagement or marriage.

You can back into one, sure, but it isn’t anything until it has a name.

We’re trained to assume that relationships happen in five stages: initiating, experimenting, intensifying, integrating, and bonding.

In a sense, every romantic relationship you will ever have goes through a “high school” stage in the beginning, during which you’re just getting to know each other and it’s OK to find some unforgivable deal-breaker, and break up with caring, but without much else owed to the other person. The longer things go on, the more you will “owe” the other person.

We live on different continents, but inevitably, a few times a year, we find each other somewhere in the world, have a few days of romance, and then go our separate ways.

This arrangement would generally be called a friend with benefits, or a fuck buddy, or a romantic friendship, or perhaps even a relationship—with “no strings attached.” But let’s be real: There are always strings, aren’t there?

It was while planning this vacation that it hit me: The two longest relationships of my life have both been with men who I was never officially dating.

Boyfriends and girlfriends have come and gone, but my friends with benefits have stood the test of time. That’s longer than I predict my first marriage will last.

And while I can’t imagine being with my Cuba date “for real”—I mean, he’s a low-key homeless anarchist who once took me on date to his Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting; there are red flags—I still value our relationship immensely.




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That's cool." And I was in the middle of busting this [other] guy's balls because, as you know, that's my thing.